Smut Leeds 2017 and More

Last weekend I had the pleasure of attending Smut Leeds 2017 with my good friends Ina Morata and Anna Sky. This is only the second of this type of event that I’ve been to (Eroticon being the first), and I can honestly say that a good day was had by all. My thanks to Victoria and Kev Bliss for a great day.

I really enjoyed all of the workshops and readings but two things really struck a chord with me. One was a hilarious reading by the always entertaining Ashley R Lister – his poetic take on the Vagisil adverts had everyone rolling in their seats.
The other was talk by Zak Jane Keir, on using random factors to help jump start writers block. God I need as much help there as I can get. Zak had us all rolling dice and using the resulting numbers to pick a character trait or twist and that got my thinking… then Googling.
It turns out that there are a whole multitude of websites out there that do just that. They take a few ideas from you and mix them up a bit to come up with some, erm.. interesting results. One such site is plot-generator.org.uk. Now I’m not advocating that we should be using these to write our stories for us, far from it, but they do send us in directions that we might otherwise have not considered. That and the results will make you piss your pants.

In true Blue Peter fashion… Here are a few I made earlier.

(BTW, the name Binkie Smugporn, that’s mine. Hands off ;P).

 Enjoy! 

shanghai

Picturesque Shanghai

A Short Story
by Binkie Smegporn

Cameron Ramsbottom was thinking about Wenna England again. Wenna was a brave author with pointy hands and red fingernails.

Cameron walked over to the window and reflected on his old-fashioned surroundings. He had always loved picturesque Shanghai with its inexpensive, iffy igloos. It was a place that encouraged his tendency to feel jumpy.

Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the a brave figure of Wenna England.

Cameron gulped. He glanced at his own reflection. He was a smart, stingy, tea drinker with curvy hands and short fingernails. His friends saw him as a muddy, mute muppet. Once, he had even jumped into a river and saved a soft injured bird.

But not even a smart person who had once jumped into a river and saved a soft injured bird, was prepared for what Wenna had in store today.

The moon shone like sitting dogs, making Cameron irritable. Cameron grabbed a tiny hawk that had been strewn nearby; he massaged it with his fingers.

As Cameron stepped outside and Wenna came closer, he could see the enchanting glint in her eye.

Wenna gazed with the affection of 7597 smart robust rabbits. She said, in hushed tones, “I love you and I want some more Twitter followers.”

Cameron looked back, even more irritable and still fingering the tiny hawk. “Wenna, I admire your eyebrows,” he replied.

They looked at each other with sparkly feelings, like two robust, round rats hopping at a very admirable funeral, which had trance music playing in the background and two ruthless uncles gyrating to the beat.

Suddenly, Wenna lunged forward and tried to punch Cameron in the face. Quickly, Cameron grabbed the tiny hawk and brought it down on Wenna’s skull.

Wenna’s pointy hands trembled and her red fingernails wobbled. She looked delighted, her emotions raw like a breakable, better banana.

Then she let out an agonising groan and collapsed onto the ground. Moments later Wenna England was dead.

Cameron Ramsbottom went back inside and made himself a nice cup of tea.

THE END

bubbles

Bubbles and Brett

A Magical Romance
by Binkie Smegsporn

Bubbles Magraw is a curvy, strong and brave unicorn hunter from Shangrila. Her life is going nowhere until she meets Brett Remington, a grubby, sexy man with a passion for Game of Thrones.

Bubbles takes an instant disliking to Brett and the thoughtless and predatory ways he learnt during his years in Ireland.

However, when a ghost tries to murder Bubbles, Brett springs to the rescue. Bubbles begins to notices that Brett is actually rather remarkable at heart.

But, the pressures of Brett’s job as a actor leave him blind to Bubbles’s affections and Bubbles takes up football to try an distract herself.

Finally, when tactless computer programmer, Bambos Charabang, threatens to come between them, Brett has to act fast. But will they ever find the magical love that they deserve?

Praise for Bubbles and Brett

“I fell in love with the smart Brett Remington. Last night I dreamed that he was in my teapot.”

– The Daily Tale

“About as enjoyable as being slapped with a dead fish, but Bubbles and Brett does deliver a strong social lesson.”

– Enid Kibbler

“I love the bit where a ghost tries to murder Bubbles – nearly fell off my seat.”

– Hit the Spoof

“I could do better.”

– Zob Gloop

 

 

And Finally.. My favourite one so far….

 

 

Selfish Helen Barker
A Short Story

by Binkie Smegsporn

Chloe Thunder had always loved creepy Bangkok with its expensive, eager estuaries. It was a place where she felt calm.
She was an admirable, caring, brandy drinker with moist elbows and sticky abs. Her friends saw her as a crooked, cold carer. Once, she had even helped a knobbly toddler recover from a flying accident. That’s the sort of woman he was.
Chloe walked over to the window and reflected on her dull surroundings. The snow flurried like gyrating mice.
Then she saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Helen Barker. Helen was a selfish angel with pointy elbows and short abs.
Chloe gulped. She was not prepared for Helen.
As Chloe stepped outside and Helen came closer, she could see the lonely glint in her eye.
“I am here because I want a pencil,” Helen bellowed, in a remarkable tone. She slammed her fist against Chloe’s chest, with the force of 6562 badgers. “I frigging love you, Chloe Thunder.”
Chloe looked back, even more angry and still fingering the stripy sandwich. “Helen, I am your mother,” she replied.
They looked at each other with sparkly feelings, like two hissing, harsh humming birds dancing at a very sympathetic wake, which had orchestral music playing in the background and two stable uncles jumping to the beat.
Chloe studied Helen’s pointy elbows and short abs. Eventually, she took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, but I can’t give you a pencil,” she explained, in pitying tones.
Helen looked angry, her body raw like a tasteless, tart torch.
Chloe could actually hear Helen’s body shatter into 5541 pieces. Then the selfish angel hurried away into the distance.
Not even a glass of brandy would calm Chloe’s nerves tonight.
THE END

5 thoughts on “Smut Leeds 2017 and More

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